Should you assign yourself to be your own accountability partner? This might seem like a strange question.
However, choosing self-accountability and creating your own accountability partner account inside our app often ends up causing unexpected problems.
Why accountability might not be working for you.
Are you all in?
Or are you just toe-dipping in the idea of accountability? Talking about a porn habit and asking for accountability creates an uncomfortable first step for some.
Sadly, that’s what we sometimes see behind the scenes.
Some sign up, then never assign an accountability partner and never even actually download the app on their devices.
Or others simply assign themselves as their own accountability partner. Understandably, they’re often experiencing a case of “cold feet”.
But the word accountability implies “a situation in which someone is responsible for things that happen and can give a satisfactory reason for them,” according to the Cambridge dictionary.
Accordingly, some might say that this means self-accountability is enough.
Truthfully, would you be downloading our app if you’ve been successful at trying to quit porn on your own?
5 reasons why self accountability won’t work well during porn recovery.
Note: these reasons include the hidden dangers of adding yourself as an accountability partner in our app and viewing your own reports.
- You might go too easy on yourself if you only assign yourself as an accountability partner. If you keep letting yourself “off the hook”, you’ll never experience the joy of experiencing lasting positive changes and building a caring support network.
- We all have blind spots. They’re called blind spots for a reason! Your accountability partner, however, can help you see these patterns on your reports in a gentle, non-judgmental way. Happily, this helps you grow, even if it’s momentarily painful like all growing pains.
- Reading your own accountability reports can be triggering. True story! We’ve seen this in customer support tickets. Your prefrontal, porn-wired brain cortex will tell you that you really, really need porn right now – and your slip-ups are listed on your report. Please don’t go there! It’s literally a brain-hack to NOT look at your reports.
- Seeing your slip-ups can feel shaming, too. Who needs that? Once you’ve owned your slip-up, you’re ready to move on, do better, and become better. Reports are only saved for three weeks. After that, no one can access them.
- Checking out your own reports could be your way of hijacking yourself. Maybe you’re really looking for loopholes around the system. You can legitimately blame that on those porn brain ruts, too. It happens, but it’s time for a 9-1-1 call. Get up, walk away, and call your accountability partner!
Your next step is actually simple. Just tell someone trustworthy that you’d love their help to reach your goals.
Be not afraid! Accountability partners are amazing human beings.
Perhaps you haven’t fully experienced this yet.
But your porn-slaying power move IS enlisting someone else to help you be responsible for your online actions.
Everyone needs someone to ask, “How are you doing, really?”
In a weak moment, these words are a lifeline of support!
Consider your accountability partners as your “ninja” buddies. It’s actually extraordinary to see so many kind, amazing people – willing to step up and be accountability partners. They make the world a better place!
Here’s what a good accountability partner looks like:
- Supportive – they have your back in a positive way
- Honest – they’re willing to call you out if you slip back into the dark online abyss
- Committed – they’ll throw you a life-jacket and help lift you out of a dark place, too
- Empathetic – they don’t make you feel judged, because they understand that fighting a porn habit can be very difficult
- Encouraging – they celebrate the “small steps” of progress with you, helping you focus on the positive
Additionally, we offer a helpful guide for accountability partners here.
One caveat: “false positives” may create a desire to view your own reports.
To wrap this up, we want to acknowledge the possibility of being flagged with a “false” positive on your report. It’s important to understand that an item flagged “suspicious” is not necessarily pornographic. This could be an overly-zealous flag by our software.
It doesn’t happen often, but here’s one example. Michelle, a team-member at Ever Accountable, was conducting market research on porn filters. This was flagged in her report – an example of a false positive!
If your marriage is struggling due to porn use, discuss the “suspicious flag” scenario together ahead of time.
Make a plan together. For the accountability partnership and the porn recovery process to succeed, it’s vital to have calm couples conversations instead of rushing into “fight or flight” mode.
Also, it makes sense to add an objective outside accountability partner, if possible, to the mix.
Slip-ups may trigger betrayal trauma for the spouse. Being the only accountability partner also may add strain to a marriage, but that’s another topic of discussion.
NOTE: While no software is perfect, things that are definitely flagged pornographic are rarely in error.
Honest-to-goodness, here’s what works: a wholehearted commitment to accountability!
Take the plunge into positive accountability with someone else. Don’t hold back. Your future depends on taking action steps now!
Porn is holding you back and has enormous power to ruin your most important relationships.
You can enjoy healing community support as you reach for lasting change. But, don’t just take our word for it! Others, like Cole, now see light at the end of their tunnel and have found “a reason to live again.”
*Ever Accountable’s blog is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or therapy, though we often link to medically reviewed studies.
