We’re so grateful for customers who are willing to share their stories to help others on their journey to freedom from porn! Here’s one especially for fathers. (Trigger warning for those in recovery from betrayal trauma. Be kind to yourself.)
Table of Contents
- Freedom from porn, alcohol, and sexual addiction is possible – even in your 40s
- Sexual abuse: secret trauma roots of my porn addiction and more
- Living a lie for years
- Secret trouble at home and a “fake change”
- Tough love from the woman I love
- One more chance: radical steps to real change
- How accountability helped me find freedom from porn
- Share your story of freedom from porn?
Freedom from porn, alcohol, and sexual addiction is possible - even in your 40s
My name is Julius Yoder. I’m sharing my story here, because I feel driven to help others. I’m now living in freedom from porn and alcohol addiction for the first time in 20 years.
I’m in my 40s, and my wife and I have eight children, ages 17 to one years old.
My life was spinning out of control: sexual addiction and more
However, just over a year ago, my sexual life and drinking was spinning out of control.
You might be surprised to know I grew up in a conservative Christian home and community. I was sheltered in some ways. So, I didn’t start viewing pornography as a child.
Sexual abuse: secret trauma roots of my porn addiction and more
But as I look back, I realize I was exposed to some things I didn’t have words for as a child. I was sexually assaulted at age 11 by someone in my church community. My former community was very good at looking good on the outside.
What I didn’t realize was that this experience twisted my view of God – until about a year ago when I hit the bottom.
Living a lie for years
But first, let me tell you I personally became very good at leading two lives when I was in my 20s. I got married to a woman from my community at age 25. I had a successful business. We started a family. And I really looked like a good upstanding member of the community.
Inside, though, I had no fear of God. I thought of Him like the churchman who assaulted me. So I bought my first pornography off the rack at a gas station in my 20s. And I lived a lie.
“Hiding secrets means you lie ALL the time…”
That’s the thing about living a double life. Hiding dirty secrets means you lie all the time.
As I often traveled for my job during the week, I drank, used porn on and off, and started having long-term affairs. But on the weekends, I was a good family man at home and at church.
Secret trouble at home and a “fake change”
However, about 10 years ago, I “confessed” one of my affairs to my wife. Because she also grew up very sheltered, she thought that meant I was done with it. But actually, I never stopped.
Along the way, though, I got fed up with the hypocrisy I saw in my church community, and I got myself excommunicated. All the while, I was still living a lie myself.
Remember I said that my life began spinning out of control?
One day I woke up! I realized my drinking and my sexual life was truly at the point where I couldn’t control it anymore.
Tough love from the woman I love
That’s when I ended my relationship with a woman I was having an affair with. She was hurt and angry, so she called the church community leaders and then my wife.
The church community wanted my wife to cut me off completely.
My wife was also done with my double life!
“I love you, but you have to choose,” she told me very clearly.
At that moment, I knew that my family – my wife and kids – were the things I couldn’t live without.
As I look back now, I don’t know how I could’ve done the things I did to her.
One more chance: radical steps to real change
So we talked, and my wife agreed to give me one more chance. I agreed to check myself into a live-in addiction program for 6 months.
Life at a live-in sexual addiction program
There I was allowed no technology at all. No contact with the outside world. You either find God or go crazy, it felt like to me.
I didn’t even know how to want God, and so I told Him that. I was born again there in that program.
Meanwhile, my wife was under intense pressure from her community and family to cut me off completely and move back in with her parents.
After 4 months, she contacted me and said, “I can’t do this anymore!”
Fresh start in a new state
So I left the program early, but took my books and study guides with me to keep learning. We packed up our family and moved out of state to find a fresh start and a new life. My oldest two children especially have been deeply hurt deeply by all of this.
Healing community for my family, too
Thankfully, we found a wonderful place where our family is healing together. We have help in a safe church community. This past year started a whole new way of life for us.
My chosen accountability partner and mentor: “literally nothing shocks him”
Now I have an 82 year old mentor named Sam that I talk to every week. He’s worked for years in prison ministries. So, literally nothing shocks him. My wife also has support.
Also, I have an online support group I attend, as well as having Ever Accountable, which a friend told me about.
How accountability helped me find freedom from porn
Accountability makes a huge difference! Ever Accountable has been amazing for me on my device, because I know if I search for porn, it will flag it.
Since I have had Ever Accountable on my device, I have not once been tempted to look up porn, because I know my chosen accountability partners will ask me about it. So, the battle is in large part already won!
I know if I look up porn or do anything that is wrong, I will be held accountable.
Healing and freedom from porn is possible for you, too.
Also, I’m taking counseling classes to help others get free. Sometimes being with other Christians, all you hear about is how evil porn and adultery is! But, you don’t get the steps to break free of porn and heal.
You feel trapped and alone in secret with so much shame.
So, I made a promise to God that I would help others that way I’ve been helped. I’m so thankful for the healing in my life and in my family.
Want to share your story of freedom from porn?
Our team at Ever Accountable is cheering for Julius and his family joyfully from behind the scenes.
No matter your background, religious or not, we want to empower you and your family to find freedom from porn. Everyone’s story is different. Each one matters to us!
Also, we’ve had a LOT of requests in our survey for true stories. Why? We think true stories are so powerful and motivating. And, we’re so grateful Julius was willing to share.
Were you encouraged by his story? Are you also finding freedom from porn through our accountability app?
Please reach out to us at: yourfriends@everaccountable.com
*Ever Accountable’s blog is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or therapy, though we often link to medically reviewed studies.
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