As the holiday season approaches, we need to acknowledge something uncomfortable. Many of us are not okay. We’re anxious, stressed, and grieving.
According to Reuters, an estimated 9.9 million Americans lost a close loved one to the Covid pandemic in the past few years. Added to this, we’ve watched – and are currently watching – many tragic world events unfold.
Violence and financial challenges are huge external stressors. Similar to other addictions, stress is a porn addiction trigger.
But why be so negative? Sadly, we’ve heard over the years from some customers: “I’m spending the holidays alone, because my porn use ruined my relationships.”
By preparing for holiday stresses now, you can start finding solutions and avoid pitfalls that may wreck your porn recovery journey.
Holiday stress and porn - a potential “Bermuda Triangle of Addiction”
If you’re dreading the holidays, it’s understandable. In a good season, even “normal” holiday stress may trigger porn use for those on a porn recovery journey.
“And for those in recovery, the stretch from Thanksgiving to Christmas to New Year’s is often referred to as The Bermuda Triangle of Addiction, where drugs, alcohol and family issues can intermingle in the perfect storm.
And just like ships and planes mysteriously vanish in the Atlantic Ocean, the holiday season is often when addicts and alcoholics disappear from AA and NA meetings.” – ABC Action News
However, holiday stress and porn use don’t have to defeat you! You can win the fight, if you prepare yourself ahead of time and identify your triggers. Also, we’ve gathered some proven tips for coping and managing your porn recovery during the holidays.
5 major holiday stress and porn triggers
Porn triggers get magnified by the holidays. Even noticing others’ seemingly perfect holiday homes can spark deep feelings of longing and loneliness.
1. Being home for the holidays
Family is a complicated blessing at times. Due to difficult family dynamics “many of my clients’ feelings about the holidays are far from wonderful,“ notes psychotherapist Sharon Kwon, LCSW. The stress of facing a challenging family member can lead to emotional porn triggers.
2. Facing holiday emotional triggers
We’re bombarded with messages that we’re supposed to feel like celebrating during the holidays. However, if you’re grieving, facing the holidays while missing a loved one is acutely painful. It’s actually okay to say, I’m not okay. I’m really sad right now.
Some face lonely, depressing holidays, because their ongoing porn use has ruined relationships. Even so, porn strangely might feel like a handy, reliable friend during this season.
3. Scheduling added social obligations
Whether you work retail, deliver packages, or just have a long list of holiday events to attend, added holiday busy-ness feels like too much at times. Having porn just one click away on your phone is like carrying a bottle of alcohol in your pocket – a quick but unhealthy stress reliever.
4. Fighting financial stress
Since no one wants to be an Ebeneezer Scrooge, tight budgets legitimately add stress to the holidays. Financial stress is so depressing! That’s why we still grab a box of tissues to watch the classic Depression era holiday movie “It’s A Wonderful Life”.
5. Battling Boredom
For others, added down time over the holidays creates a boredom pitfall where porn sneaks in. The young person who’s home from college for a long break may struggle with filling the time. Others may have generous holiday leave time from work.
Whatever the holiday porn triggers – you don’t want to slip into a porn relapse, so let’s look for positive solutions!
7 ways to fight holiday stress triggers - potential porn recovery pitfalls
It’s actually helpful to make a written list of your personal porn triggers for two reasons: honesty and accountability.
Matthew Scult, PhD says,“By being honest with ourselves, we can actually cultivate more peace and joy during the holiday season.”
If you’re fighting porn as a couple, you know that giving in to porn triggers during the holidays will not bring peace and goodwill to your relationship!
On the flip side, choosing to be accountable shows your loved one that you care about your relationship! It’s an intentional gift of love. Speaking of being intentional…
1. Tap into your accountability network.
Now’s the time to schedule a meeting with your accountability partner – before they’re too busy and stressed to cope well. Actually, discussing holiday stress triggers benefits your accountability partner, too. They’ll be challenged to better face their own holiday stress triggers.
When you meet, review your potential porn triggers and create a safety plan together. For example, make certain you’ve added accountability to all your devices. Here are practical tips and resources to support accountability partners, too.
If you’re able, join a porn recovery group for added encouragement during this challenging season. Everyone needs additional support!
2. Create or enforce healthy boundaries.
Notably, many addiction recovery and therapy sites put a high priority on creating healthy boundaries. Choose boundaries and solutions that work for you personally. Here’s just a sample of ways.
- Upload your accountability software on any new tech you are gifted with.
- Avoid using unfiltered/unmonitored wi-fi devices while traveling.
- Create specific safety steps for yourself around stressful family relationships – check out this therapist-created list for ideas.
- Be very intentional with your schedule. Focus on “what brings you joy” – to quote Marie Kondo! Also, consider ways of bringing others joy – which may boomerang back to you!
- Budget your holiday spending.
3. Set realistic expectations about the holiday season.
Honestly remind yourself that holiday stress, though hard, will pass. You may have to work harder than some to stay on a healthy path of porn recovery. And even if you slip up, that doesn’t mean you’re not making progress.
“My fight is unfortunately not over. There are still times when the temptation comes along to bring me back down…
However, even though my fight is not over, my life has been so much better without pornography.
It might take me a couple more months to fully overcome this addiction. It might take years – but I never want to go back to pornography ever again.” – Cole
Your goal of a porn-free life is only achievable if you don’t quit. Hang on to this thought! What if you simply state to yourself and an accountability partner, No matter how tough the holiday season is, I will stay committed to being porn free.
4. Practice mindful self care.
Taking care of yourself doesn’t happen by accident. Part of breaking free from porn involves learning to rewire your brain. This includes using your body in a mindful, healthy way.
When our bodies are stressed, it’s tempting to turn to something unhealthy to soothe it – like porn. Good self care involves your personal health care, like sleep, exercise, and healthy nutrition.
5. Celebrate small wins.
Did you connect with a small group of friends? Were you able to relish some beauty in nature? Avoid screen time behind closed doors?
Celebrating small wins should be normal practice on your accountability and porn recovery journey. Each positive step matters. You’re becoming who you were meant to be!
6. Cultivate genuine intimacy.
Facing a lonely holiday? Think of at least one person who is truly important to you. How can you connect with them in a “no-strings attached” way? If finding ways to connect feels challenging, here’s a fun-filled list of 50 Ways to Enjoy Intimacy Without Sex. Let’s get your creative ideas flowing.
Whatever you do, don’t allow yourself to stay isolated. Remember this! You are worth the effort of friendship, connection, and love.
7. Practice gratitude and generosity.
While the world is often dark and difficult, look for the light and beauty. Write down what you see. The power of a gratitude list for simple gifts cannot be overstated! When you express gratitude either spoken or written, you’re making the world a better place.
Have you considered paying it forward? Take a minute to encourage another friend on their porn-free journey. Often, you’ll lift yourself at the same time.
Practice generosity towards those who are unseen by many – the lonely and isolated. For instance, many of us can offer a homeless person a kind smile, a warm pair of gloves, and a meal. However, if you’re at a loss for ideas, check out this list of ways to volunteer this holiday season.
Why defeating your stress triggers matters
In a world desperate for love, kindness, and caring, you can actually create part of the change this world needs. Small steps matter greatly! For example, when you refuse to cave in and use porn, you take a step towards ending sexual violence and misogyny.
Even if it’s hard to believe right now, conquering holiday stress and porn triggers is a step towards “peace on earth, goodwill towards men.”
Works Cited
“4 Mindful Tips to De-Stress This Holiday Season.” Johns Hopkins Medicine, https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/4-mindful-tips-to-destress-this-holiday-season. Accessed 1 November 2023.
Levine, Ally J. “Prolonged grief disorder symptoms afflict many who lost loved ones from COVID-19.” Reuters, 9 February 2023, https://www.reuters.com/graphics/HEALTH-CORONAVIRUS/USA-CASUALTIES/lbpggbmrapq/. Accessed 15 November 2023.
Ryan, Wendy. “Addiction, recovery expert gives tips to protect your mental health & sobriety during the holidays.” ABC Action News, 23 November 2021, https://www.abcactionnews.com/rebound/coronavirus-stress/addiction-recovery-expert-gives-tips-to-protect-your-mental-health-sobriety-during-the-holidays. Accessed 1 November 2023.
Scult, Matt. “How to Handle Holiday Stress.” Psychology Today, 8 December 2022, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-big-reframe/202212/how-handle-holiday-stress. Accessed 1 November 2023.
“Why do people watch pornography? The motivational basis of pornography use,.” Psychology of Addictive Behaviors 35 (2021), vol. 35 (2021): 172-186. doi: 10.1037/adb0000603. Cf. The Porn Phenomenon., 2021, pp. 172-186, https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32730047/.
