You may have heard that porn can change and even rewrite your brain. This statement usually is made in reference to supposed neurological changes that porn can cause in the brain. We have outlined in another resource how and why this might occur.
To briefly summarize, actual changes in brain chemistry and structure due to porn only occur within a small group of people and only in rare situations. While this statement about porn changing the brain is often used as a scare tactic to get people to avoid pornography, there is a way in which this statement might be truer than we think.
While porn may be unlikely to change the chemistry of your brain, experts and researchers have documented that it may be very likely to change how your brain thinks. In fact, the changes that porn can cause to your attitudes, expectations, and beliefs about sex are potentially the most damaging part about viewing pornography on a regular basis. Let’s take a closer look at how and why this happens. .
The Link Between Porn and Relationship Quality
To understand how porn can change the way your brain thinks, we first must remind you about some of the research linking pornography to relationship quality. Numerous studies have found that watching pornography is related to lower relationship satisfaction, lower sexual satisfaction, and less relationship stability. Pornography use has also been linked to a higher likelihood of divorce and an increased likelihood of extramarital affairs. To put it simply, porn doesn’t do a lot of good things in relationships.
While there may be plenty of research to suggest that pornography use is related to lower relationship quality, experts have differing opinions about why such links occur. Some argue that it may be outside factors and not porn itself that really lead to these negative outcomes.
Some researchers have argued it’s not the porn leading to poor relationship quality, but the masturbation that often accompanies it, or that people’s negative or religious values are what really causes the negative outcomes. Yet the negative relationship outcomes linked to porn remain, even when researchers control out these other factors.
This has led many top experts in the world to conclude that something about watching porn must be having a negative effect on healthy relationship behaviors and attitudes. As scholars and experts have studied this topic, many have concluded that the likely culprit that links porn to negative relationships is related to what are called sexual scripts.
Understanding Sexual Scripts
What is a sexual script? Well, let’s first understand what a script is in social science. The term “script” comes from a social science theory called script theory. This theory is simple. It assumes that before you do something, you think about if you want to do that thing. Your decision about how to act comes down to how you weigh the pros and cons of that behavior. According to script theory, one of the main ways you make this decision is based on following behavioral scripts in our life.
A script is an expectation about what will happen if you do or say something. Think about a movie script. In a movie script, you say your line or do your action, and you know exactly what the next person is supposed to do and say.
Eventually you’ll have your next line or behavior. How will you know when to say it or do it? Because someone will say the line right before yours, triggering you to act! Scripts in real life operate much the same way. We have scripts in our brain that tell us when and how to act, based on our expectation of how others will act, both before and after us. These scripts come from personal experience and our culture.
Here’s a simple example. Let’s say you are walking down the street, and you see someone in front of you trip and fall, spilling a bag of groceries on the ground in front of them. What will you do? Most of us will stop walking, bend down and help them pick up the groceries. Why? According to script theory, it’s because in our culture you are expected to help people in this situation. It’s your civic and personal responsibility. Our cultural script tells you that if you don’t stop, that person will think negatively about you (and you may think negatively about yourself).
Conversely, when you stop and help, the script says that this person is supposed to verbally praise you for your behavior. This will make you feel good, making it more likely that you will do this behavior again in the future! When scripts are violated, we often feel confused and angry because things didn’t go according to plan. For example, in this situation if the person you helped didn’t thank you, they have violated the script, and you will likely feel angry toward that person for not expressing gratitude.
Script theory argues that you follow all sorts of scripts in your life every day. You have a breakfast script, a script for work, a script you use when watching TV or being on your phone, and scripts for each of your family and personal relationships.
One of the areas of life you have a script for is your sex life. When you engage in sexual intimacy with another person, you have a script you follow. This sexual script is based on how you think sex is supposed to go, what you are supposed to do, and how your partner is supposed to respond to you. When these exceptions or scripts lead to healthy behaviors and healthy expectations about intimacy, they promote healthy relationship behavior. When sexual scripts are unrealistic or promote unhealthy relationship behavior, they have the potential to undermine our relationships.
This is where porn comes in. One other element of script theory is that we learn a lot of our scripts from personal experiences with media. When we watch a movie or TV show (or even read a book), we’re learning about cultural scripts that we may try to use in our daily life. The more we consume media that has a certain script shown over and over, eventually our brains begin to believe that this script is normal and should be used in our daily life.
Experts believe that porn has the potential to infuse our brains with unhealthy scripts about relationships and sex. It is these unhealthy sexual scripts we learn from porn that cause many of the negative outcomes we’ve outlined in this resource. Let’s dig a bit more into what exactly is going on with our sexual scripts when we watch porn videos.
What Are Healthy Sexual Scripts?
The next part of the process we need to understand is what healthy sexual scripts look like. Remember, healthy scripts are scripts that promote healthy behavior and healthy expectations about sex (both for us and our partner). While there are hundreds of healthy sexual scripts we could mention, experts have noted three scripts that are critical to healthy relationships. Let’s quickly discuss each one.
1. Partner-focused intimacy script
The first healthy sexual script is about who you are focused on during intimacy. In a lot of ways, sexuality in a relationship comes down to two potential mindsets. Are you in it for you or your partner? As you can probably guess, when we have the mindset of focusing on our partner and our partner’s needs during sex, our relationship tends to be healthier.
That’s true for just about any part of a relationship but especially true when it comes to sex. When we are focused on ourselves during intimacy, we often fail to pay attention to the cues our partner is giving us about what they want and what makes them feel connected and loved during intimacy. Healthy partners are partner-focused during their intimacy. Their expectations during intimacy are centered on the fact that they want to make the experience enjoyable to their partner.
This may mean engaging or not engaging in certain behaviors based on our partner’s preferences more than their own. You might be asking yourself if that means sex and intimacy are meant to only be enjoyed by one partner. Of course not! The goal is that both partners are engaged in this type of sexual script during intimacy. If both partners are focused on each other and not themselves, we see the type of synergy that really creates a healthy and amazing sexual relationship!
2. Sexual wholeness script
A second healthy script to have during intimacy is tied to a concept called sexual wholeness. Sexual wholeness refers to the idea that both partners can feel connected and strengthen their relationship through a variety of things that are happening during intimacy. We, of course, tend to focus on just the physical aspect of sex when we think about it.
While that can be important and increase satisfaction within the relationship, it’s not the only thing sex is doing for healthy couples. Healthy couples have a mindset where they understand that the physical connection that comes from intimacy is only one part of the bonding that can occur during sex. These couples understand that intimacy can also help them feel emotionally connected to each other.
Intimacy can help them feel loved and cherished and that their partner will always have their back. Healthy intimacy may also have a spiritual component for many couples (even couples who are not very religious). Intimacy can have a bonded effect with the right mindset where intimacy takes on a symbolic nature that represents life-long commitment.
It can symbolize your life together and your unbreakable bond and loyalty to each other. You can see where the term wholeness comes from! When we expect that sex can connect us in a variety of ways, we have a much larger perspective on how physical intimacy can strengthen our relationships.
The idea here is that when couples take scripts and expectations centered around sexual wholeness into their relationship, sex becomes so much more than just a physical act. This is critical for many couples because in a long-term relationship, the physical pleasures of sex and even orgasm may not be present in every sexual encounter.
A script of sexual wholeness opens a couple up to the idea that even when you’re not 100% in the mood and are struggling getting a lot of physical satisfaction from a sexual encounter, you can still feel connected emotionally to your partner and get just as much (if not more) pleasure out of the experience.
3. Open communication sexual script
The final healthy sexual script tied to strong relationships is one of open communication. Decades of research has found that couples who are open and honest with each other about sexual intimacy are often the healthiest. Healthy couples can talk to their partner about what they like and don’t like, their thoughts on sexual frequency in their relationship and the strengths and weaknesses of the intimate part of their life together.
These are skills couples need in any part of their relationship, but many couples lack the ability to openly discuss sex together. When couples approach intimacy with an expectation that they can and will talk freely with each other and that their partner will be responsive to this disclosure, this open communication facilitates a variety of healthy processes. Often this helps couples avoid some of the long-term resentment and conflict that many couples struggle with when it comes to sex.
What Exactly Is Porn Doing To Sexual Scripts?
Now that we have a better sense of what healthy scripts look like, let’s turn back to porn. What researchers have now shown across a variety of studies is that the scripts shown in most pornographic videos run counter to these healthy scripts we’ve just described. The intimacy being shown in porn is not showing healthy relationships or how healthy partners approach intimacy.
In fact, the scripts shown in most porn are the opposite of what healthy couples are doing. When people watch a lot of porn, they are being shown these unhealthy scripts over and over again. If their porn viewing started when they were young, these unhealthy scripts about intimacy may have been some of the first and maybe only messages they received about sexual scripts.
It’s not surprising then that when people watch porn regularly, they begin to adopt porn-based sexual scripts into their own life.
Let’s look at some of the most common unhealthy scripts found in porn today.
1. Self-focused intimacy script
Probably the biggest and most common script depicted in all of porn is a script focused on sexual selfishness. Porn shows a version of intimacy that is all about getting what you want, when you want it.
In most cases, this is focused on a male partner who is the center of attention and doing exactly what he wants during a sexual encounter. His pleasure and desires are the main goal of the encounter. He gets exactly what he wants, and his partner’s sole motivation is to be a tool for his sexual pleasure.
There’s a reason why many experts on sexual intimacy and pornography talk about a term called objectification when they discuss pornography.
Objectification is a process through which we begin to view other people as objects that are merely tools to be utilized rather than people with thoughts, feelings, and agency of their own. Porn often leans into this objectification, especially of women. It shows women as objects that exist for the gratification of men. The script shown in most porn videos is of a woman whose sole job during sex is to please her male partner(s).
When people watch a lot of porn, they are constantly bombarded with messages that sex is about personal satisfaction and gratification. A “good” sexual partner is one who does what you want without any objection or even conversation.
This obviously runs counter to healthy sexual scripts, scripts that help us focus our intimacy more on our partner than ourselves. Ironically, research has shown that when both partners focus more on their partner than themselves, their own sexual satisfaction improves!
The sexual scripts shown in pornography can lead someone to expect a sexual partner who is always available and always focused on our needs. It sets up the unhealthy expectation that during intimacy, sexual encounters will be focused on our pleasure and satisfaction, not focused on couple bonding.
2. Physical pleasure sexual scripts in porn
There is another related script being taught in almost all pornographic videos. As mentioned, healthy intimacy is based on two partners who understand that the physical pleasure associated with sexual intimacy is only one part of the connective process that occurs during sex. Yes, sex can and should be pleasurable for the people involved. But if this is the only thing we based our intimacy and satisfaction on, we are missing perhaps the deepest and strongest bonding elements of intimacy. The emotional and/or spiritual connection that can occur during intimacy broadens how sex is viewed and strengthens a couple’s relationship.
Porn rarely if ever focuses on establishing connection in intimacy outside of physical satisfaction. Porn shows a version of intimacy that is almost solely focused on the orgasm of both partners as the primary goal of sex. Sex is about physical pleasure, plain and simple. Yet a simple understanding of the human life course (and basic human physiology) would suggest that this version of intimacy is shallow.
Many older couples reach a point in their life where orgasm and even intercourse may no longer be possible. Does this mean that they are unable to have pleasurable or connecting physical intimacy? Of course not.
For these younger couples as well, it is certainly possible for intimacy to be bonding and connecting, even if one or both partners do not reach orgasm during every sexual encounter (or even receive that much physical pleasure from the sexual acts; perhaps due to stress, illness, pregnancy, or a range of other factors). Porn puts a limit on how we define intimacy and narrows how we can achieve and sustain a satisfying sex life.
3. Implicit communication script
Finally, porn teaches a sexual script centered on implicit, not open communication. Rarely does porn show a couple having open and clear communication about what sexual acts or behaviors are wanted or consented to. There is no context given centered on a relationship where open and honest communication about intimacy is at the center of intimate encounters. There is an assumption in porn that everything is on the table, unless one partner explicitly puts a stop to it (which, in porn, would probably never happen). Communication is implicit and assumed.
This type of sexual script runs counter to just about every research study of sexual communication and its role in promoting healthy relationship dynamics. This research is clear. Healthy couples talk and talk openly about sexual intimacy in their relationship. They talk about what they want, what they don’t want, and how they feel connected to their partner.
When couples do not openly communicate about intimacy, the likelihood that one or both partners will feel frustrated or even used during a sexual encounter increases. Resentment and anger are much more likely in relationships without open communication. When we assume things about our partner rather than openly communicating with them, we set ourselves up for miscommunication and hurt feelings.
The Consequences of Negative Sexual Scripts in Porn
When you put this all together, you can see why experts think watching porn on a regular basis can hurt your relationships. When we watch porn over and over again, we are being shown a version of sexual intimacy that runs counter to the healthy couple process. The sexual scripts shown in most pornographic videos create certain expectations about sex that are not only unrealistic, they also hurt our ability to develop deep and committed relationships.
Porn is all about quick gratification that is inherently based on physical pleasure and selfish partners. In real life, healthy couples approach intimacy in a much broader and deeper way. Our expectations about sex are not centered on our own physical pleasure, but on how sexual intimacy can strengthen our relationship bonds.
When the scripts from porn become our basis for how we approach sex, we are setting ourselves up for failure. This is why porn users are less satisfied and less stable in their relationships. It’s why porn users are more likely to get a divorce or seek extramarital relationships. They are often seeking a version of sex and intimacy that doesn’t exist in the real world.
Here’s the key to all of this. Don’t think you’re immune! One of the most common responses to learning about how any form of media influences our scripts is to think – that doesn’t affect me! We think that we are somehow smart enough or aware enough to not be influenced by what we watch in the media. We convince ourselves that porn won’t change our sexual scripts or expectations.
Yet decades of media research have concluded that this simply isn’t the case for any of us. The effects of media are subtle and often unconscious. And it does influence just about everyone!
Don’t think that just because you are aware of the unhealthy scripts in porn that you are free to watch it as much as you want and avoid any negative consequences. Don’t assume that your scripts and expectations will remain unchanged and unaffected.
Research also clearly shows one thing. Those who avoid pornography completely in their life have the best chance of happy, healthy, and stable relationships. Don’t be fooled by the sexual scripts in porn! Focus on building and developing healthy scripts and expectations in your life when it comes to sexual intimacy.
Works Cited
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