I discovered pornography at a pretty young age, like many other guys. In fact, I was first exposed to it through a classmate at my Christian school ironically enough – in 6th grade.
I didn’t even realize this at the time, but one of the reasons that pornography was so appealing to me was not just because of early adolescent hormones. It was also the allure of power and control at a time in my life, where for various reasons, I felt powerless and out of control.
Table of Contents
- Life as a pastor’s son secretly addicted to porn in middle school
- Shame, secrecy, and silence – a vicious porn cycle
- When I discovered I was secretly addicted to porn
- Half-way approaches to breaking a porn addiction (what doesn’t work…)
- How my porn addiction almost ruined my marriage
- What worked for me – steps toward recovery from porn addiction
- Why choosing accountability on my porn recovery journey matters
- First steps to freedom from a secret porn addiction (what Brad wants you to know)
Life as a pastor’s son secretly addicted to porn in middle school
Suddenly I had this playground, this space of unlimited power and control.
At least that’s what it felt like. I could use pornography as a way to feel more in control.
That secret, that control over this own space, where nobody knew what I was looking at, and nobody knew what I was doing? That drove me into addiction very quickly.
I looked at all sorts of terrible things, even at a very young age. And I think it’s worth mentioning when I did that, you know, the internet was still fairly young. So, this is no fault of my parents. I think there was still a naivete about the dangers of the internet back then.
I was able to stumble into some pretty intense stuff pretty easily, and also keep it hidden and secret. I was the son of a pastor. I was a church kid.
To everyone else – externally – I appeared like I pretty much had my stuff together. I went to youth group twice a week. I sat in the front pew in the church services. Kind of prided myself on being a kid who, you know, did the right thing.
Porn’s secrecy and control over my life
After all, I wasn’t like the worldly kids who were smoking or drinking or having sex! But I had this secret life that I was using to get power over the things that I felt powerless about, to feel secure in an artificial way when I was feeling insecure about myself during adolescence.
Even then I don’t think I realized that I was addicted. I don’t think I would have used that word. I thought of it much like a choice to use a bad word, or to hit someone, or something that you could just stop doing if you wanted to stop.
I just thought, well, I’m doing this right now. I know it’s probably not a good thing, but I enjoy it, and I enjoy having this secret world. And I’m sure I can stop whenever I want.
Shame, secrecy, and silence - a vicious porn cycle
The first time that I had to face any accountability or consequences was when my dad discovered some evidence on the computer that I had been looking at pornography.
And he dealt with that by installing the X3 Church software, X3 Watch software, which was the precursor to Ever Accountable. To be honest with you, it wasn’t super helpful. And the reason? It didn’t lead to good conversations between my dad and I.
Boundaries without conversations got me nowhere
I knew that my dad was getting those reports, but we just never had good conversations about it. I think, honestly, he was overwhelmed and ashamed, because he didn’t have the internet when he was a kid. He hadn’t dealt with the same issues when he was a kid. It just was overwhelming.
My dad didn’t know, or he didn’t understand how to have that conversation. And obviously I wasn’t about to seek out those conversations with others, because it was so important to keep my secret lives hidden.
When I discovered I was secretly addicted to porn
So, it really wasn’t until college that I started to understand that I was truly addicted, and that I needed help. Prior to this, I thought that pornography was something I could control. It was something I could stop whenever I wanted.
But when I was out of my parents’ home and at college in a dorm with my own laptop and a little more freedom, I discovered that actually, paradoxically, I had less freedom than I thought I did. That’s because the addiction started to control me.
As I encountered my addiction, more and more stressful situations in college and dealt with loneliness and just the pressures of being in an unfamiliar place for the first time away from home, I increasingly medicated myself using porn.
Stuck in the vicious porn cycle
And every time I did, I would feel terrible about it. I would reinstall the accountability program and reinstall the filters. But then something would trigger my stress and anxiety, and I would uninstall them again and be down the rabbit hole of porn addiction. I’d go back through this cycle of acting out, shame, embarrassment, and more hiding.
Half-way approaches to breaking a porn addiction (what doesn’t work…)
Failing to be fully honest
I did start to talk with some people in my college, some staff members, and other students about this issue. But to be honest, I wasn’t being fully transparent with them. I was finding ways around the filters. It was almost a show of accountability rather than real accountability.
It became a way to deal with the shame of pornography without really dealing with the roots of it. But the lowest moment that I experienced with my addiction came when I got married.
Getting married
Like many guys with porn addictions, especially in the Christian community, I just thought, well, once I get married, that will obviously give me an outlet for my impulses, you know, and my sex drive. I won’t need pornography anymore!
How my porn addiction almost ruined my marriage
And, of course, it didn’t work out that way. My wife eventually discovered evidence of my addiction, and she was understandably devastated. I knew at that moment that I had to conquer my addiction, or my addiction would conquer me. Those were really the choices.
Positive choices for change and recovery from my porn addiction
And so I sought out counseling. I started to really get to the roots of why I was addicted, and why I was acting in certain ways. Understanding how I was using my addiction to compensate for hurts that I had to dig into and fix before I could really be free – but even then, I was still hiding some of my pain, my thoughts, and some of my behaviors.
I was still finding ways around accountability, because it was so intensely shameful. I’m sorry to say this. But it wasn’t the last time my wife found evidence of porn addiction.
How porn relapse affected my relationship with my wife
And, each of those moments has been absolute hell for myself and for my wife. Those were moments where I genuinely felt like my world was collapsing, and it’s really only because of the grace offered by her and people around me that it didn’t.
What worked for me – steps toward recovery from porn addiction
With each of those moments, I’ve realized on a deeper and deeper level, I can never be free unless I get rid of the thing which is driving the addiction in the first place.
It isn’t sex. It’s secrecy! So…
- when I bring my online behavior
- when I bring my choices into the light
- when I bring the secret shame and embarrassment into the light
That is the only way that I will be free of the addiction.
How to break the secrecy of porn addiction
And for me, that looks like a combination of things.
- It looks like counseling.
- It looks like a regular support group that I go to.
- It looks like great friendships with other guys who have gone through the addiction recovery journey.
- And it looks like accountability.
Why choosing accountability on my porn recovery journey matters
I knew that I needed to have a representation of that accountability, a tool that could bring my choices on my devices into the light of day.
I needed something that could slow down my brain. So that when those impulses are hitting, I can remember that nothing I do, nothing I choose is truly my own choice. All of my choices affect not only myself, but the people I love around me.
What Ever Accountable has done is provide a powerful reminder that my choices matter, and that nothing I really do is only my own choice.
Who I am not only affects me and my own soul, but the people around me. And that has been a tremendous gift! I’m still on that journey. Recovery is hard. Recovery is a long journey.
But I’m really grateful for tools like Ever Accountable that have given me more freedom than I ever dreamed I would have from the darkest parts of my own past and from the darkest parts of my own present.
It made me know that I do have the power to change!
Counting the cost of porn addiction vs. accountability
Every part of my addiction has cost me something. It has cost me peace. It has cost me relational health. It has cost me trust. It nearly cost me my marriage.
And so when I think about the cost of a program like Ever Accountable, to me, it’s a no-brainer to invest in that. Health is an investment, and health doesn’t happen automatically. For me, freedom is an investment, and freedom doesn’t happen automatically.
Like the tool of Ever Accountable, all of these things are investments. They’re investments into being a better man, a better husband, a better father.
The cost of being accountable is so much lower than the cost of not being accountable.
What real life accountability looks like for me
The hardest thing I’ve ever done in my addiction recovery journey is bringing others into my journey. It was sharing in an open and honest way what’s really going on in my soul – in my heart.
Because the voice in my head screamed so loud, If they knew what I had done… if they knew how dark my life had gotten in secret, that I would be rejected. They would turn away from me, and they’d be ashamed of me in the way that I was ashamed of myself.
So I’ve had to pick those people carefully.
Accountability has been the most powerful manifestation of grace. The people who have received my story and journey have received it with grace.
They’ve held me along that journey.
They don’t see me as defined by my worst choices, but defined by the man that I am, and I can be.
That my choices – my addiction – doesn’t define me.
It’s not the core of who I am.
I’ve had to ask myself, Who is it in my life that can hold that story? Who is it who can walk alongside me?
And what I’ve found is that more people are willing to do that than I thought were.
I think a lot of people these days, particularly men, underestimate not only how much they need to be in community with others, particularly other men, but how much other men are willing, able, and even need to be in community with them.
Also, we underestimate how much our health as men depends on being in the type of close community that can hold the deepest parts of who we are – one that can hold our deepest fears and pains.
I don’t think it’s optional. I think accountability and community look different depending on where people are, and each person’s circumstance.
But for me, accountability is another word for community.
It’s realizing that I am not an island, my choices matter, and that I’m not going to be the best version of myself by myself.
It’s realizing I have to be in community with people who love me and are holding me accountable. Because if I think of myself as an island, if I think that my choices don’t matter to other people, I will be the worst version of myself and not the best.
The best version is the type that is held accountable by others who love me, care for me, and want me to be the best man, husband, and father I can be.
Reframe your shame to find freedom from porn
If someone’s feeling shame and embarrassment around sharing their story with others, first of all, I totally understand. I have been there so often! It’s one of the hardest things you’ll ever do.
You know, there’s a phrase in the Bible about counting the cost. And I think, you have to think about it in terms of what is the cost of ongoing secrecy? What is the cost of ongoing silence versus what do you lose by opening up about your story to others?
There’s another phrase in the Bible – the truth will set you free. That has been my experience as well. It sometimes feels like maybe it’ll do the opposite, that sin will bury you. And if you keep it secret, it absolutely will.
Never underestimate the destructive power of a secret. And never underestimate the healing power of bringing that secret into the light of day, and the freedom that will result from that. Even if it’s the hardest type of freedom! (Even if it’s the toughest type of conversation you’ll ever have…)
Sometimes the pathway to life is by letting go and letting something die. And if that death is secrecy, then that’s the death that needs to be died in order to experience true life.
First steps to freedom from a secret porn addiction (what Brad wants you to know)
My advice to someone who’s just starting down this road?
1. Don’t give up. It will be hard.
My road to freedom has lasted two decades, and it’s still a road I’m traveling. Porn is a powerful drug. If you’re starting your road to freedom, you are withdrawing from a drug. You are trying to get free from something that desperately wants to keep control over you, over your soul, over your mind, and over your emotions.
2. Don’t treat it lightly.
It’s not going to be easy, but it will be worth it. Give yourself grace and also know that freedom is possible.
Find your people
The other piece of advice I would give to people who are starting down the road to freedom is that community is never optional in the journey to freedom.
Find people in your life who care deeply about you enough to hold your story to hold the most difficult parts of your past and present, and to guide you toward a better future. You need –
- People who will ask you how you’re doing
- People who will follow up with you
- People who not only just want to know how you’re doing with your addiction, but just how you’re doing
- People who care for your soul.
Stay in community with people like that! And stay focused on your vision of freedom, and you will get there.
Even in moments that feel completely hopeless, and believe me, I’ve been through many moments like that. I’ve had moments where I felt like a complete failure, where I felt like I would never see the light of day.
Holding out hope – if I can find freedom, so can you
Every time, I have experienced grace in the form of community. I have been held by people around me who are willing to hold me accountable, who are willing to pick me back up and say, “Keep traveling. You’ll get there. The addiction doesn’t define you. There’s gonna be a better day ahead.”
I am doing so much better now than I ever dreamed I would do. But, it’s only because I continue to have people in my life who can hold me accountable and tools like Ever Accountable that help bring my choices into the light of day. This helps defeat the secrecy that was feeding my addiction in the first place.
I’m still on that road to freedom. I’m still growing. I’m still learning, but I have more hope than I’ve ever had. I know that freedom is possible, and that I will get there.
