Have you ever found yourself struggling to overcome porn (or any bad habit for that matter) only to find that the problem keeps coming back? This is SO FRUSTRATING!!! Why does it keep coming back?! What is my problem?!?!
I had an experience that taught me about quitting bad habits.
A cockroach infestation
My wife and I moved into an apartment after we got married. The place seemed clean, but after some months we saw a cockroach skitter across our kitchen floor. More soon showed up. It was gross, finding their egg sacks and seeing them run when we turned on the light. We and other tenants complained. After investigating, it was discovered that someone had moved in after us and brought some cockroaches with them. The bugs then infested our entire building.
To resolve the problem the building owner was forced to treat the entire building and kill ALL the cockroaches. Killing just most of them would only postpone the problem, because the bugs would have kept coming back.
Now think of how that relates to fighting porn.
Porn and cockroaches are a lot alike.
They both make you feel gross.
They both spread without us wanting them to.
They both require 100% eradication, or they will come back!
What is porn
According to the Oxford Dictionary, porn is “printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings”. The key for you and me is that porn is anything intended to stimulate erotic feelings.
For our purposes it doesn’t matter what other people think. If you are being sexually aroused by something, then that thing is porn for you.
The big lie that keeps you from quitting
If porn could talk, every word out its mouth would be a filthy, sneaky lie. (Check out pornlies.com.) For now we’ll just focus on one lie that keeps people stuck.
LIE: “You can keep watching a little bit of porn”
Read that lie again – it is so important! This is a lie, because keeping a little bit of porn is like keeping a little bit of cockroaches. The porn will keep coming back!
Sneaky little corners that porn hides in
It is great if you decide to quit looking at the really bad porn, but are you hanging on to the more “innocent” seeming stuff?
Do you watch “intimate” scenes in videos?
Do you stare at people in exercise clothes or swimsuits?
Do you take an extra glance at racy internet ads?
Do you fantasize about sexual encounters?
… And the list can go on and on
These things can all seem innocent, but they keep you stuck fighting the porn battle.
But Why
Brain science tells us that our brain has a section called the limbic system. Some people call it the “lizard brain” because it controls the primitive urges that lizards have – like the desires for food and sex.
The limbic system doesn’t know the difference between sexually stimulating media or a real potential mate. It just knows when it is aroused, and it quickly starts wanting more. Its demands are enormously powerful! You probably know what those urges feel like.
Our willpower doesn’t stand a chance against the limbic system for long. The limbic system is too powerful.
There is only one answer
The only way to beat the limbic system is to not fight it at all.
And you do that by not feeding it at all. Do not give it the smallest taste of sexually arousing material.
You can’t tolerate any porn! Zero!
And remember the definition of porn: If it is sexually arousing to you, then it is porn for you. We can’t push the line here. It doesn’t matter whether or not most people would think it is porn. Our limbic system does not understand excuses.
The key is to avoid any sexual arousal outside of healthy sex within a committed relationship.
You can’t dwell on things that are sexually arousing. You can’t even fantasize about sexually arousing things. Not if you want to win at this.
Ads you see on the internet? Billboards you see while driving? Even provocatively dressed people you see in public? We have to turn our eyes and our minds away from all that stuff.
Know that any time you give in a little bit you are choosing to have a difficult fight. The longer you allow yourself to feel those sexual urges the more difficult the fight will be.
The price is too high
If you’re hanging on to a little corner of porn, you’re paying a huge price for it! It is keeping you stuck. It is keeping you always vulnerable to slipping back down into worse things. It is keeping you from moving on to better things in life. It is not worth it!
But I’m surrounded by this stuff! I can’t avoid it all the time.
You’re right. You can’t avoid being exposed to it. But you can choose what to do when you are exposed to it! The limbic system takes a moment to start charging up. Turn away quickly and you can avoid the whole fight!
How do you get rid of porn all the way
Here are 7 proven things you can do.
Try them all, and use what works best for you.
1. Decide! Decide that you will tolerate zero sexually stimulating media or thoughts.
You will probably be faced with this decision over and over again. Decide it again every time.
A wise man once said, “Life is a series of recommitments”.
2. Set up boundaries around the places you personally stumble.
These boundaries are always a sacrifice, but they pay themselves back over and over, often in unexpected ways.
Example: Does your phone trip you up at night? Charge it in the kitchen instead of the bedroom. You may have to buy an old plug-in alarm clock. An unexpected benefit might be improved sleep and mental clarity during the day.
Set your boundary as far away from the problem as you can. For example, charging your phone in the kitchen is a better boundary than deciding to not check your phone while in bed at night. This is because you are putting more distance between you and the problem.
3. Bounce your eyes.
This means that any time you notice something that is sexually stimulating, you look away immediately. Your eyes are like a ball that bounces right off and doesn’t come back.
4. BEST: This one is powerful. Memorize what these letters mean.
B: Breath a few slow breaths. This gives you some crucial mental space from the temptation.
E: Envision your future self – the person you really want to be. Try to feel how good this will be.
S: See or Say the consequences if you keep dwelling on the image. Will you masturbate then feel empty afterward? Will your loved ones be let down by you? Or you can see or say the positive consequences if you avoid the temptation. Do whichever is most motivating to you.
T: Take action. Do something different right now. It is best if you have some ideas ready to go ahead of time. I find it helpful to think over a few ways that God has been good to me or somebody else. Try different things until you find what works for you.
5. Be open with another person.
You should have at least one person you can be totally open with. It takes courage to reach out, but freedom is so worth it! Many people also find professional help and support groups like Celebrate Recovery to be helpful.
6. Set up accountability software.
Setting up accountability software like Ever Accountable is doubly helpful because it provides both a powerful boundary and an easy way to be open with another person. And stay tuned for a powerful recovery program that we are working on!
7. Never give up!
Stumbles are expected. But if you keep pulling yourself up and never quit, you will make progress, and in the end you will succeed.
Staying 100% free is the best way to live
100% means that when you see something sexually stimulating, you fight it off immediately
100% means you clean out the dirty corners where porn likes to live
100% is when your heart and mind are really free to commit to better things
100% is the only amount that can sustainably keep out the porn infestation
100% is where the power comes to become your best self, and to live your best life
Go forth and conquer!
Is there a corner of your life where you allow sexually arousing stuff to fester?
That is like allowing cockroaches to infest a little corner of your house. You are paying a huge price for that dirty corner! It is not worth it. Decide right now to clean it out 100%! Your life will be so much better when porn is gone forever.
All the best,
Tyler Patterson
Founder and President, Ever Accountable
P.S. A hero of mine named Clayton Christensen said it best: “It is easier to live your principles 100% of the time then it is to live them 98% of the time.”
